Mental Health Mental Health Basics

Helping Grieving Families

Summary & Participants

When someone-- a sibling, parent or grandparent-- passes away, it's often hard to know what the youngest members of the family are going through. Children may seem oblivious or indifferent, but they are probably going through intense and confusing emotions for which they need support. Join our panel of experts as they discuss the psychology of children in times of grief.

Medically Reviewed On: July 10, 2008

Webcast Transcript

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: One of the other important things that I like to suggest to people when they're in the presence of grieving people-- very often people say, "If there's anything I can do for you, give me a call." But grieving people have a hard time calling because they're so overwhelmed. It's much more helpful to say, "You know what? I see your lawn needs mowing. What do you say I come over on Saturday and I mow your lawn."

LISA CLARK: Do the practical things.

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: But to suggest it, and say, "I'm going to do it," rather than put the onus on the grieving person to ask for it.

LISA CLARK: Exactly so. I have one other question in the few moments that we have left. How can you help a child prepare for the inevitable comments that people will make, well-intentioned but perhaps insensitive -- "You're the man of the family now." "Life goes on." Those sorts of things which don't really take into account the real feelings that the child is having? How can you help a child prepare for hearing those kinds of things?

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: Not only are they not helpful, they're destructive. I believe in what I teach people I work with. I call it "griever's assertiveness." You need to prepare the kid and you need to teach him that someone's going to come along and say that, and you need to work with that child to say, "You know what, I'm not the man of the family. I'm still a child." It's really about defending themselves against those kind of comments.

LISA CLARK: And giving themselves permission to feel what they're feeling and to express what they're feeling.

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: Absolutely.

PATTY DONOVAN-DUFF, RN: It's a wonder. I think we have so many teachable moments with children, to be able to teach them about loss of all kinds, and I think we really have to take advantage of those times with our kids to say to them even that sometimes adults don't know what to say. We're not good at this either. They know, and they'll tell.

LISA CLARK: Kids like hearing that or having you validate their strong suspicions. Well, I'd like to thank both of you, Benyamin and Patty, for being with us and for your insight into helping children grieve. It's a very important process for all of us, but especially, I think, for children, because they have to deal with this for their entire emotional lives. Thank you again. Thank all of you for joining us. I'm Lisa Clark.

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